THE FIRST "DOUBLE WAMMY" TWO STORIES FOR THE PRICE OF WON. I,ME & MYSELF HEARBYE ANNOUNCE,SEA BELOW FOUR DETAILS.

STOP THE PRESS'S, REJOYCE ( NOT DR. BROS.) OR RETREAD ( FOUR THOZE WHO ARE
RE-TIRED) BE PREPAIRED TO DUE THE FOLLOWING!!!!!

1.Close up Swiss Bank Accts. 2.Get your children inside. 3.Defrost your freezar
4.Attach your furnature to the walls. 5.Lite a candle. 6.Grab a chap-stick .( not Ralph Loren's)
7.Have CBS recall Dan Rather. 8.Erase from your cell phone, Wallmart's ph.#.
9.Stock up (or down) on "Depends". 10.Throw away all "Tiny Tim" LP's.
11. Adjust the horry zontail on your T.V. 12.Put all Wayne Newton's 8tracks in your
garbage disposal. 13.Get Dorothy back to "OZ". 14. Break all "Ronco" items
15.Find out if Tanya Roberts, has ever been to Las Vegas. 16.Hire Pvt. Investigators
to locate Michael Caine's ex partner, in dance contests, Ms. Elizabeth Abel.( guess what
they were called? If ewe cannot figure this out, then you deserve to not be "Sophie's Choice")
17.Search for Yanni's Last Name. 18.Deport Roman Polanski( whatever that means)
18.Have Hugh Downs( knot a place to race horses) replace the "Enegizer Bunny"
19. Disclose the medical fact that between Black and White anatomy, there is "Grey's Anatomy"
20.Ask Cries-slur to reinvent "Desoto's" ( not the explorer) 21.Blackjack

AND NOW THE "D O U B L E W A M M Y" STORIES

SOUL LEE MAN ( not Woody Allen's wife) and Jon Gosslin, are teaming up, for a new series.
It will be called, "The Regurgitation Hour" and will be on the cable networth, VTYD.
which stands for "Vomit Till You Drop". All sixteen of the merged children, will be scouted
by The Los Angeles Dodgers, as future ball players.

The Mc Court Divorce To Get M E S S Y and N A S T Y!

Both Frank and Jamie McCourt are sending out feelers( ain't that a "Hoot?"), to try and sign
the children from "The Reguritation Hour" Who ever akwires the wittle kids, knows that will
leadto Billions of Dollars, in free publicity for "The Dodgers" Frank has offered stock to Soul
Lee Man, for her unused IUD. Jaimie has offered Jon, to have his legs extended, so he will be
taller and a promise to find him a personality.

Frank has accused Jamie of having an affair with her bodyguard. Jamie has accused Frank
of having no "Dodger Balls" I would suggest that each sides attorney's, request that Judge Judy,
should hear this case. She won't take any "crap", from either side. Since the Dodger ownership
is at stake, Judge Judy could rule for a split decission. In other words, she could order Frank
and SOUL LEE MAN to hook up and also order Jon and Jamie to trade nuptials.

I am still Marshall Bitkower, and this is my opinion, and my first " DBL WAMMY"
By the way, Wall-Mart today announced that they will be selling caskets & urns on line.
No comment.

MISS AMERICA FILES LAWSUIT(SIZE 4)TO KEEP HER BOOBS. SPONSORS WANT EM BACK, PERSONALLY I LIKE EM "FRONT"

The Miss American Booby Bored, wants em back, butt they are knot getting em, because

they have become a "fixture" and any Knit-com-boob well knows that they are permanent

and sometime "stationary".The only exception is if you are a member of SAG and keep "UP"

your do's.( this is really,don't ask, don't tail)



For any of you's who don't know, the former Miss America was "Busted" for her speech on

same sex marriages. I guess the rejects from "Project Runaway" do not remember that we

have a Freedom Of Speech. This has caused a treemendous backlash ( take that J.LOW)



The outcry( not that Gunn guy) has had it's revenge. Bra manufacturers have "Boob-Barted"

the airwaves, with it's "2folded" enhancements. Amy Winehouse has left her "haze" and had

her two octives lifted. We now test the temperature with a "BraMeter" People are putting

Salsa & Must-Terd, on their "Bra-k-worst". Rodeo Dr. Jewelers are now selling 14k "Bra-sluts"



On Broadway, critics haved rejoyced about the Musical "Bra Fest At Tiffany's" One reviewer

said it was "Tit Elating" The television series "Abreasted Developement", is now on TNT.

I ain't touching what TNT, really means. Hordes of tourists are going to "Bra-Zill"



Remember the old song, A- you're adorable? If you do, it's lyrics have been "Altered"

The new words are, A you're a "smally", B, you're "gettin there", C you're"a barrel full

of charm". If you do not know this song, you're out of luck.



Everything old is new again, is really true today. If Boob Hope were alive today, his theme

song wood be "Thanks For The Mammories" In Maliboob, Point Dume would have an arrow

pointing to The Jayne Mansfields. (Bada-Bing) The big yellow fruit, would be called a BraNana.

You probably thought I was talking about a male Geisha. On NBC's Hit Show, Law and Order,

SVU, Mariska is now protected by two 38's.( this does not need 'Splaining)



I am still Marshall Bitkower and this is my opinion. Since Holloween is just around the corner,

who will win" The Booby Prize?" Will it be Elvira or Hillary?

DID CHEW KNOW THAT "TWITTER" WAS DISCOVERED IN "TWIT-EE-ER, CALIF?". AND THAT MIKE TYSON WAS KNOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE A "FOSTER FARM CHICKEN?"

MIKE TYSON, after a stint in a Pronounciation Rehab., has been in the news( should of
been in a "noose") Is that mark or tatoo( not the dwarf from Fantasy Island) on his face
from putting his Big Mouth into a "George Forman Grill?" or from intentionally thrusting
his face into Evander Holly-Field's Steam Iron? By the way, you can buy it online at
"In Your Face".com. It is owned by"You Bit My Ear-Off Partner's, a wholy owned
subsiduary of "You Could Of Been A Contender, Inc. Which is controlled by Pillsbury,
The maker's of the new, Mike Tyson's Dough Boy. Mike's tummy is now bigger than
his "Dangling Partyessimple"

You eat it and become a cymble of how someone with an I.Q. of 17 and the temper of
a sex slave from the Planet "Urainous", could knot grow up and still marry Robin Givens.

Did you know that the "Lompoc Penal Institute", is not a disease that was created by
Guy Lom Bardo? The latest news in the car industry, is that Merlin Olson Motors will
be producing a car that looks like Merlin Olson. You, of course know that the front of
the origional V.W., was in the image of Hitler's Face. The front of The Corvette StingRay
was the image of Lloyd Bridges. If you do not understand, go sea fur yurself.

I am now expanding my column, to include a section where older people's news will be heard.
It will be called "HOT FLASH"S"

"Hot Flash"- fifty percent of Elizabeth Taylors husbands are dead. That's about 1/2 of
Jon & Kate's children. I've been told that TLC has signed Jon up for an interview show
that will be done from his bathrom. The show will be called, "Inside Jon's John" Doesn't
that just piss you off? The Q-cards will be written on toilet paper, the new brand with
Jon's picture on it. I certainly hope it catch's on. Use them free for a month. People have
always wanted to wipe themselves on Jon. ( notice, I did not use the "S"word)

More "Hot Flash's", AARP, will soon be producing movies. Scheduled titles are, ass follows

1." Diving for Prune Juice"
2."Having a new women every night, the story of a man with memory problems.
3."Guess who's Coming at dinner. I'm told there will be at least 100 takes, to com-pleat
the act.
4."The Baritones, the sequal to the Soprano's, after 30 years.( Bada Bing, Bada Bang?)
5."Ex-Lax for Bowlers"

There is a roumor going around that a famous T.V. personality and the President, are
both getting a "hush, hush" divorce. After both divorces are final. they will marry and
her new name will be, "PAT LA LAMA OBOMBA" Just kidding as Kate would say.

My name is Marshall Bitkower and that is my opinion. Did you know that Dean Martin's
favorite song was called, "Soused At The Border?

"THE FATHER OF NO KID IN BALO0N, WAS FULL OF "ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH"

RICHARD HINEE, FILLED BALOON WITH "HOT AIR", FROM A PIPE THAT HE FILLED
WITH MARIJUANA, THAT THE UNITED STATES DEPT. OF JUST" DON'T TELL/DON'T
SMELL" POLICY, IS NOW "HIGH" ON THEIR LIST OF "SMOKE, LESS ENFORCEMENT.

I assume that the latest trends in women's shoes, will be "Mary Janes"
Kraft Foods will soon launch "Zoned Out Salad Dressing" I'm sure this will lead
to "undressing" ( This is a sure bet) Men will launch into "Viagra Reefers" This will
allow men to "Keep It Up", even if they are not. ( Those Were The Days, Thanks Archie.)

Camel Cigaretts, will now show a camel with "Two Hops" The Media will adapt this new
policy. Doris Day will re-record her old hit song, "I'm Looking Over A Leafy Green Clover"
On Law & Order, SVU, Detective "Munch" will be renamed "Munchies"

Tina Turner will blast the hair waves singing "Proud Mary" The musical "South Pacific"
to change"Bloody Mary" to ( Guess?) The old T.V. series about three beautiful girls in
New York, looking for wealthy men to meet, will now be called, "How To Mary A Billionaire"
Inflation has increased their worth, even if they are knot "Stand Up Guys" ( Bada Bing)

Everybodies favorate candy, will now be known as "M&M&M's" The Moon has long been known as having a green aura, that's what the song, "How High The Moon", is all about.

Marijuana designer stores, will now be in every "Rite Aid" drug store. That name will be
changed to "Rite-On" Drug Stores. The MDS's ( sea above) will be called, "Come Fly With Me"

Famed Drummer, Gene Krupa, will be carved into" Mt. Rush-More" Do you know why
John Wayne was always happy? That's because in all of his movies he was "The High &
The Mighty" Tom Jones, will not re-record "The Green,Green,Grass At Home" Wood you?

I am still Marshall Bitkower and this is my opinion. Now if only The Smother Brothers
would run for political office, they could have a fabulous smoked filled , fill-it-buster.

MARIA SHRIVER AND LEVY PATERSON RECORD NEW VERSION OF "I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU", ON VIRGIN RECORDS

IT LOOKS LIVE MARIA IS "DRIVING" LEVY NUTS, BY BECOMING RECORD GURU'S.
DOES THE PUBLIC REALLY WANT THE FIRST LADY (SURE) TO BE IN A "CELL?"
THAT'S WHAT I HEARD. BILLBOARD HAS PLACED THEIR RECORDING AT NO.2

Holloween has become "Hollow and Four Weenies" ( from Four-Skins, I imagine)
Years ago kids wore masks of Bela Lugosi, Boris Carlott,The Creature From The Black
and Blue Lagoon and Richard Nixon. Nixon has two masks, sweaty and non sweaty.

In todays economic times, the masks are now, "Ellen DeGenouris and Porclin Rossi",
formerly known as "Abbott & Costello". The" Amy Winehouse" masks come in two variations,
the "Barfing" one and the "Dementia" one. For the Political wittle kiddies, we have the "John
McCain And Sarah Pale-Inn mask. It is a combination of "Elmer Fudd & Betty Boop"

Remember when Bela Lugosi said in movies,"I Don't Drink Wine?" Today's Vampires do
modern things. They wash their own dish's, iron their own capes, use Google and buy their
bed sets at "Sit and Bite" The store's spokesperson, Larry Miller, screams out, "We Will Beat
Anyone's Prices or I'll run my fingernails down a chalk board"

The children from Beverly Hills & Encino, trick or treat, with their own nutritionists.
The children from Brentwood & Hidden Hills, bring along their own psychiatrists, in
case they get depressed with the "Goodies" handed out to them.

In Estoneia, the kinder go to Kieth Richard's House, the lights are on, but nobody's there.
China hands out to every fifth child, an egg roll( Think hard about this one)
Isreal households hand out "Pledges" ( Bada-Bing)

At Howard K. Stern's home, he "Allegedly", hands out Nicole Playted blank RX Pads.
In "Marry"old England, Simon Cowell gives out jackets, with a "C-Crest", on the lapels.

In the "Entertainment"spotlight, they are making a new pilot of "Hart To Hart" Starring
Stephanie Powers and Caliska FlockHart. The butler will be played by Rush Limpba and
Freeway, the dog, will be played by Danny DeVitto. ( Wuff, Wuff, You Nitwit)

My name is Marshall Bitkower and Dous is my opinion. I am pleased to announce that we
have a new Nobleman ,in California, Sir George Hatcher.

"OHBOMBA WINS NOBLE PEACE PRIZE" AIN'T NO "KREPLOCK" TONIGHT, ONLY "CRAPLOCK"

TOO BAD THE DAY OF ATONEMENT IS 50wks AWAY( OR SHOULD I SAY "OY VAY")
WHO EVER THESE PEOPLE ARE WHO VOTED FOR THIS OUTLANDISH AWARD,
MUST OF BEEN TREATED AT THE "HITLER ACADENEMA FOR THE DILLOUSINNAIL
MANEFESTATION OF REGRETABLE THINKING.

Could it be that each of these brilliant voters, were overwhelped at the thought of veiled
women dancing to the sounds of mortar exploading at a day school in Haifa?

One thing this award wasn't was "NOBEL". I guess that Jon & Kate were on the nominating
section, along with the guy who wrote "LETHAL WEAPON 5", starring Mel Gibson, as the
Weapon! Now we know where all the LSD is stored, in the lost minds of those who voted
for this award.

In all honesty, I voted for President Obomba, because he knows the battles it takes to keep
your head "High" But I seemed to misplace, whatever he has done for peace. I certainly don't
remember him inviting Barbara Streisand, Joy Behar or Larry King, to the White House, to
break unleven bread.

I've never heard him say, "We must have affordable Health Care, "It couldn't hurt" ( you must
say this phrase as if Billy Crystal and Barry Maneloff, were singing it to hymm.

You know all the money (such Gelt) to fly two jet planes to the Olympic Comm-it-tea,
could of been donated to a worthy cause. To think that Chicago, with all it's violent crime,
would be the proper place to hold an Olympics, is like asking Linsey Lohan to join the
"Girl Scouts" I would suggest that these Nobel Prize Poops, would spend a week in Chicago
and wear the fashions from "Project Runway" Al Capone would be so proud to have seen this.

Why didn't they award the "Peace Prize" to the former Governor Of New York, Elliot Spitzer, after all his platform was for "Piece" The battling "Kardashian's" would of come in 2nd.

I am Marshall Bitkower, a proud American and that is my opinion. I hear Kevin Costner will
star in and produce "Waterworld 2, The true story of the "Brita" family of Garden Grove, Calif.
It will be in 3d, Dumb, Dull and Detroit.

"BLOG MITZFA" AWARDS ARE BACK, IN SPITE OF U.S. SURPREME COURT, IN SESSION.

HERE YEE, HERE YEE, MY 3rd BLOG MITZFA AWARDS ARE HERE, BUTT NOT WITH
NEAL PATRIC HARRIS. WHERE IS BILLY CRYSTAL, WHEN WE NEED HIM?

1st Award-David Letterman, for only having trysts with CBS employees. Sure he could of
gone after the ABC girls, but he could of ended up on "Grey's Anatomy", or even
gotten on "Jimmy Kimmel", just like "Sarah Silverman" used to do.(think about
that, you "Desperate Housewives" The origional tit le was "Horney Moms of
Stud-ee-o City" Did you know that Terri Hatcher, went to Roosevelt High School?

David, who was never a "Letterman", should also be admired for not "schtooping"
any NBC ladies. If he hit on the "Law and Order"women, he would of ended up
in "Riker's Island", in a padded cell, where Mariska and Chris, would be dressed
to the 9's in "Drag" and they would would all sing the hits of Paul Schaffer.

After all is said and done( like I done her and her,etc.) Davey apologized to his
girlfriend of 23yrs., who became his wife and is the mother of his grown up child.
You got to admit that this is a "Wierd" relationship. it's very strange, but not as
strange, as when the late cowboy star, Rod Cameron, who divorced his wife and
married her mother. Imagine the "pillow talk"


INTERMISSION, go to the bathroom, get a snack,make love to your wife
after all you've got 55seconds, till the next award.


2nd Award-That guy named Halderman, who attempted to extort part of the $32million,
which is wittle Davy's yearly salary. Did you know this idiot Halderman is related
to one of"Tricky Dicky's " plumbers? (if you don't understand, rent "All The
President's Men")

3rd Award-Goes to the movie "ZombieLand" which stars that Harrison dude named "Wood-ee"
I understand all the extras were from "The United Nation Staff"

4th Award-Goes to Drew Barrymore, for having homes in Beverly Hills and New York.
I guess this makes her "Bi-Coastal" If Charlie knew, he would he would not
of been so "Forthsited" ( now that's funny, if you are a "Bachelor Father")

That is my opinion of how I view the world and i'm so very happy that Jerry's Famous Deli
is opening in India. I guess you could call it, a "New Deli"

"HAS ANYBODY HERE, SEEN MY OLD FRIEND,"BULLOCKS?" TELL ME WHERE IT HAS GONE?.

IT HELPED ALOT OF PEOPLE, BUT IT SEEMS THE GOOD DIE YOUNG.
I JUST TURNED AROUND AND IT WAS A "SHOPPING MALL", and Tripplets
of Seament. A place where you can live,dine,see a movie,buy a lottay, eat fresh
Yogurt, have sex and be "robbed at gunpoint" All within walking distance

In Hollywierd and Lost Angeles, "Graveline Tours", show you where movie stars died.
Why is there not a "Graveco", where once stood giants of stores and places had wonderful
memories and symbols of a happier and safer time.

We now spend 1/4th of our awake time, looking for a place to park. When growing up, the
place to "park" was on Mulholland Dr. This was many years after the "Hard Hats" of L.A.P.D.
knew the proper way of "Overlooking" Mulholland Dr. If you don't understand this, then
think about Jack & Jill, going up the hill & just Jack, "Coming" down.

In our time, we see Historic Monuments of History, closing up faster than Ms. Solliman's I.U.D.
( I Understand Dick) They should call this new memorial park, "Forrest Tucker". the place where
"Wood", grows. There should be a place where "Horror Movie Stars" are buried. It should be named,
"Lawn Chaney"

I understand that Michael Jackson is buried, just outside of the Mossaleum, "off the wall"
( if I have to explain it, I won't) There would be designated areas, for specific, not Atlantic,
types of business's who died, but are not fourgotten.

1 "Pork Chop Hill" You will find several names of Jewish Enterprises here, even though it is called,
P.C. H.( there is no 'splainning to do). Here lies Chasens, Romanoff's ( not Polanski) Stears for Steaks,
Will Wright's I Scream Parlor, Ciro's, The Coconut Grove, Cliffton's Cafeteria, Linny's Deli of
Beverly Hills, Piggly Wiggly's, Scandia, Dino's, C.C.Browns, Larry Parker's Diner (there was a
sandwich named for me) The Saloon and Billy Gray's Bandbox, on Fairfax. There was also the
great Night Club on La Cieniga, called "The Slate Bros." This was the place a young comedian
from New York, named Don Rickles, once said to Frank Sinatra, "You are skinn-ee-r, than a
"Hockey Puck" Sinatra laughed and they became life long friends.

2 "Schmatta Ridge" You will view here, Magnim's, Bullocks Wilshire, The Broadway( no, not the
story of Greta Garbo) Seibu, which lasted forty five minutes, Orbach's, Joseph Magnim, Coulters,
Desmonds, Mr. Guy, Dayton's, Sy Devore ( of Rat Pack Fame) and Tiny Tailors. ( Ha, Ha, got yeah),
it was really a restaurant called "Tiny Nailhers". SCOOP, take that TMZ, Mrs. Nailher said her
husband was not really "Tiny".

I am still Marshall Bitkower and that is my opinion. Now for all of you that enjoy a good "Shark Attack"
The United States Navy has just named Pamela Anderson as a ship of interest.